It was pointed out, or I pointed out or noticed the other day that I don’t really write anything particularly funny anymore. That’s not a good sign. Don’t think. Up until I came to work for TheBigBank I used humor as a coping mechanism. I tried to figure out why I wasn’t doing this and the best I could come up with in the end is I’ve been too angry.
Well that’s useless.
I’m also sort of afraid. We have some very specific language in terms of social media and while this is an anonymous blog, is it really? I mean, come on, one of you found me through facebook because I quoted myself and it was a particularly alliterative piece and somebody, might have been me, mentioned a post and another of you found me on facebook from here and it took you a year to fess up (which was perfectly fine). I post pictures of myself and my entire family out here and I’m ok with that. My anonymity is superficial at best and I’ve never been under any other illusion. I guess the best I can do is not name my company directly and not attack it. Quite honestly there’s no point in attacking a company I’m working for. I work here. I was and have been attempting to explain the environment and my specific place in said environment to NM for about a year now, keeping in mind that Corporate environments are specifically alien to NM and the other day he asked me if I was actively looking for a new job. I think something finally landed. My response was, no. I’m not. They can’t make me leave after all that. I have a right to be here.
Well that’s saying a mouthful, isn’t it? I know I wrote a lot two years ago about what happened when I got here. I know I did this because I used those posts as notes when I finally had to get help. The problem with getting help is no matter how anonymous you try to be or HR tries to keep you, you’re really not. You have a scarlet letter on your forehead. It’s a T for traitor and the size of the T or t, depends on how people felt or feel about the person in question and the action you took in general. In this department my mileage varies. I might survive but it’s always going to be uncomfortable. HR did a really good job, but they can’t control how people feel and they can’t micro-manage individual behavior.
And in the end, the only thing I can control or change is me and / or my own behavior. So why am I still here? There are actually a lot of very compelling reasons one of which is, I have every right to be here and you can’t make me leave and if you think that’s not important or it’s a stupid reason to stay, guess again. It actually matters a lot. There’s a fine line, but when it comes to pros and cons, it weighs heavily. I’ll stay as long as it serves me and I’ll stand nose to nose with YOU, and YOU, and YOU and do my best not to fall down. Falling down happens in a lot of places.
The truth is I’m learning a lot, I like what I do, I like very much, the people I work with outside my department and this job is damned convenient in supporting what Elizabeth and I need right now if you’re going to support a kid’s dream. It’s working for both of us. What I do is highly specialized and pays well. That’s not to say that my skills aren’t transferable. By my count I’ve had five major professional career changes in my life. They were nearly effortless, happened because they were in front of me, all but one were offered or handed to me, were based on existing skill sets and talents and resulted in personal and professional growth.
I was in a mandatory departmental career (internal) building seminar the other day where they brought in outside consultants to help us think about how we could make lateral moves within our department and outside out department because our corporation believes in expanding existing skill sets while increasing and maintaining business knowledge and one of the things one of the consultants mentioned was that you *could* transfer skill sets. Not that you should or that many people could but that it was possible.
I wanted to get up and leave the room. I shredded my napkin into my empty coffee cup and listened to the woman to my left mutter something about needing to get back to her desk already. Later we had a job fair where all the sub departments in are large departments talked about what they did and you could wander around and talk to them. Mostly we all know what we all do because we pretty much interact with each other so there was a ‘who has the best candy’ competition and it was 10 AM and sugar shock was imminent. My team didn’t have a table. We didn’t have a table because our function is so out there we assume (OK, not we but somebody) that nobody in the other departments can possibly have the skill sets required to transfer into our group. So we’d not even entertain the desire. We’re not even going to tell you what we do. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain… See I *know* there’s the opportunity to be funny, or at least snarky here but it’s just not coming. Damn, woman, get a grip.
So. Humor. Small moments. It helps. I remember this. I really do. Something about a post-it note stuck to the bottom of my shoe…
This is March 6, 2011 and it’s damn funny and the thing is, I was truly suffering at the time and I wanted another job so badly I could taste it. This is when I accidentally quit smoking because the cigarettes went in the trash instead of my bag and I said, screw it. Plus I didn’t have time to leave the building to smoke anyway. But still, I had time to come home and write. Or I did it in the morning. Or something.
I’m working on funny. It’s in my head, I just need to be able to write it down. Maybe if I just start publishing the instant message conversations between me and Peer? Those have been pretty damn funny lately. Plenty of snarkage on that front. It keeps us breathing.
I need to write a post titled…
Napalm in the afternoon.
That’s a good one, don’t you think?