Apparently I am responsible for a muffin shortage at the fake Starbucks in our building. I work in the Matrix. You can't make this shit up. I believe my company inhabits approximately one quarter of the Matrix but that doesn't make me responsible for the depletion of the muffin supply at the fake Starbucks outside the secured doors of the floor on which I just happen to be housed.
I will accept responsibility for the depletion of the unnaturally colored green muffins but that's as far as I'm willing to go.
Yesterday there weren't any green muffins. Yesterday was Monday. Yesterday when I walked into the fake Starbucks at exactly 8:45 there were exactly five muffins available. I said, 'give me brown one with lumps.' (it looked the least offensive and I was hoping for raisins and not chocolate chips - I got lucky)
At 9:30, Thing Two walked into my office and said, 'you are responsible for the lack of muffins in this building.'
You're eating them all. That's what they told me.
I am NOT eating all the muffins. I don't eat more than one muffin a day and I don't even eat one every day, maybe only three a week. God, how stale are those muffins?
I don't know but there weren't anymore when I went in there.
There were four when I left. I took one of five and left four and that was 45 minutes ago. This is not my fault.
Well you're the only one she remembers and she says you eat all the muffins.
Wait. How do you know it's me?
It's that green shit you eat. Dead giveaway. Who puts that stuff in their mouth? You swallow it too. I've seen you. She says you eat all the pistachio muffins. ALL OF THEM. ALL THE TIME. So I knew it was you.
Well maybe they should just order more muffins then.
Can't. You might stop coming and then what would they do? You used to eat all the pre-made sandwiches too and then you got smart and stopped and now they don't have any at all.
That's true. Now I go in there and suffer. I have to eat hummus and crackers. That stuff keeps forever so I don't think it will go away.
It will if you eat it all.
I am responsible for the muffin deficit at the Matrix.
I am responsible for the disappearance of the toxic sandwiches.
It is possible that I may run us out of pre-packaged hummus entirely. I'm just not sure if I need to keep eating them or stop eating them to save the supply...
THIS is probably the most inane post I've produced in... a while.
That's all I've got.