I think it's time. RW wrote something to me this morning that I wish I'd kept. I also wish I could remember the reference but I can't right now and I'm too something or other to google it. What he wrote was something to the affect of 'the world is too much with me right now.' That about sums up where I'm at. No filter is hard.
Lately it seems I'm bombarded by everything and that there is no safe space to stand. I am on an ice floe and I am responsible for a whole bunch of other ice floes and one wrong step is going to sink the entire mess. It's not really so bad as all that but perception is what drives choices and words and that is my perception. I walk around these days muttering under my breath that I must not speak with anyone until I come out of this funk and that it surely will pass, it always does. If I believed in shrinks and meds I'd allow myself to be diagnosed as something probably close to that nasty bi-polar crap (If you're bi-polar, please don't take that personally, this is my stuff). Anyway, I deal with it. I go up and down, I have boundary issues and I'm pretty sure I'm single handedly responsible for the downfall of civilization, global warming, greenhouse gasses and Dubbya. Yeah, he's my fault too.
These patterns are really cycles and they escalate. It is worse in the winter. This is partially due to less sunlight (I just don't go outside much) and I'm willing to bet largely due to a significant decrease in physical exercise. I'd like to say I just can't but really I'm smarter than that, right? It must be I just won't. I'm stubborn, I'm bad, I'm not committed enough and if I just had the gumption of a decent human being I'd get up and fix it all. Wouldn't I? Right. OK.
So. I'm over sensitive and everything hurts. Everything. I hate those depression commercials because I feel like they've found me out and my inability to get my shit together is just about killing the dog already (everyone suffers, that's what it says). I think of Cielo and this is like Fibromialgia of the soul maybe? That's the best I can come up with. This is also my way of sharing and my way of asking you all to be just a little bit gentle with anything that might even possibly wreak of judgment these days. Whether you know it or not, you can (in the words of the almighty Dooce) make or break my day. Sucks right now but I'm betting it will pass.
So here is the day, today, this day like any other day except it started bad and got progressively worse.
It started last night. I am unhappy with my husband and why does not matter, this is just normal relationship stuff. It bled into the morning and I dragged my miserable and grossly pathetic self out of bed at 7:30. I did shower, I did get dressed professionally, I did dry my hair in it's standard WASP style and I did apply makeup and panty hose. I put on shoes that match. Each other. A right one and a left one on the correct feet.
I exited the house, stopped at the T, looked left and pulled into on-coming traffic that is so bad you just would not believe I live in the middle of nowhere. There was a good fifty feet between me and the car approaching from the left. I came up to speed very fast because I put all 132 pounds on the gas but she ran right up my butt anyway. To make a point. This is how we do it around here when we're feeling aggressive. I sped up even more and then slammed on my breaks. She didn't get anywhere near me again, not for eight miles when I went one way and she the other. That was very bad. Sane people don't do this.
When I got to work I was relieved because here is an ice floe that is bigger than my personal life ice floes and I can hide in a database. It's taken me two and a half days to tie out test to production because that's how long it takes sometimes and everything that could go wrong was going wrong. I've been coming home at night and continuing to load, test consolidate and test again. All this in anticipation of two major restructures of our Sarbanes compliant system of record. That I am responsible for keeping Sox compliant. Me. By myself despite everything my business partners (who are the ones who will go to jail if this gets fouled up) do to shoot themselves in the foot. I had it ready, I loaded the first change, I ran the test and then discovered that one of my business partners changed the data in the control month in production. I don't care if you have no idea what that means, it was astonishingly stupid, self-centered and destructive. He knew what it meant. When he came to talk to me about it, this barely thirty year old whelp had the audacity to sit in my space and laugh. I put on my coat and walked out right after sending an email to my boss that read simply: "I need help."
I sat in the sunlight of the courtyard and remembered when I had the nicotine crutch and could come out here and smoke when it got really bad. I was going to get in my car and drive away but I didn't, I went back upstairs instead. Because, God, really, who wants to go through the embarrassment of not being able to keep one's shit together? Laugh all you want, this is my planet and it's real as yours.
Later in the day it just kept escalating. Where is Nanny? Is she or is she not taking the afternoon off? Did we confirm with Lucia that she must meet the bus to fetch Little Girl? The girls' therapists keep changing dates I can't keep all this together what is for dinner oh good god could I just step off for a moment? And then a tractor trailer went off 95 taking a good half mile of guardrail with it and there goes the evening commute.
I am here, at the kitchen table waiting for dinner to finish heating. I have talked Lucia on the cell phone in stopped traffic into getting the meatballs that NoMans took out of the freezer this morning and putting them in a baking pan with two jars of sauce that she'll have to pry the seals off. She has cramps and she's cranky and she's making her sister do her homework and she does not want to participate. I want to drive over an embankment. I'm not going to. But I really, really want to sometimes. And I think that if you lay in bed at night and contemplate how many cuts you have to put in your thigh to release the tension so that you can sleep, something is very, very wrong.
What am I really afraid of? That it will all come crumbling down around me and it's not me who will pay, I'll be checked out or dead. It's my family who will pay. Can't have that. Must get help Now. I know that already. I also know I'm not alone in this. Have you counted your ice floes today?