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September 21, 2008


Jerry Critter

Yes, you can see the other side, and it is getting closer every minute. You will be climbing out before you know it.


I'm still here, Alecto my deario. CG gave me a sweet nudge a few weeks ago. I'm still mostly beyond words, but I think I may resurrect myself in blog form someday. I've missed you too, often think of you, wonder what your world is like inside.


Alecto... NoMans will come home and things will be better for you. I guarantee it.


I hate the craters, but the other side is always there. I hope you get there soon.


I will not try to guarantee anything beyond my own control, but I can tell you, I've been in an existential *mood* lately. Instead of the new age-y realization that we are all connected, I have the bone stark realization that we are ultimately nothing but alone. Funny but I haven't found it upsetting in any way, but rather curious, and I think it might be this inner knowingness that makes me cry at kindnesses because I realize how rarely people get outside themselves to really BE kind. Or maybe that what I view as someone being kind to me is only an accident of their own aloneness?

I know that is probably not an appropriate comment, but it is what I have in me. Spirit moves on breath. Breathe. Like thoughts in meditation, acknowledge, note, go back to breath.

I am so sorry for you about Jeffery. I'm sorry NoMans in traveling. I am so glad to have "met" you though. And I love the photograph.


And some of us have an inner strength that we don't even realize. It gets us through.

And yes, you will get there on your own.


Jerry - thank you, and yes I can.

MC - so happy to see you (see you?)! Well, here is some of what goes on in my head but a lot of it has been wrapped up in things that grow, lay eggs and otherwise require my attention (which is grounding).

Spartacus - thank you, and I'm feeling much less frightened lately. Might be because his flight took off and landed as expected but I've never really been afraid of flying so maybe it's just the living with it for a bit.

Pamela - thank you. It's getting better or I'm becoming more comfortable with myself, which is probably a good thing.

CG - totally appropriate. And you know I love that Einstein quote about being part of the whole and it really is a terrible paradox, this balancing act between understanding that you are one with the canyon (when you look into the abyss) and at the same time completely and utterly alone, small, infinitesimal. I think the thing about kindness is that you really do have to get outside yourself which might be part of the whole which is what makes that kindness possible. I think I have got to find a way to trust myself alone in the world or I'm probably not going to be much good to anyone, fearful and all that. I am finding it very difficult to make eye contact with people, much less say hello or allow a friendship to develop and me, with all this time in crowded public places. Somehow I believe I will be hurt and find myself running to my burrow when approached. I allowed myself to be spoken to on the train yesterday because he was awfully nice and really needed to talk about the market (he's a trader and more than likely about to discover some very hard times) and he didn't cause me any pain at all. But still.

And I am stunned over the fact that I am still stunned over the loss of Jeffrey and maybe that's all part of this too.

And I am very happy to know you.

Lewis - Yes, I'm starting to work that out. Thank you.


um, one more thing... during some of this existential training I did quite awhile back I was told (and firmly believe to this day even if I can't quite get over myself and just do it) that if you want to feel better, or stop feeling bad or just get past yourself, then give yourself away. And that can look like anything as long as it is outside yourself. I remember feeling that way and the aloneness became irrelevant.


I spent a lot of time growing up 'alone in the world' and became very withdrawn with respect to relationships, and also very self-reliant. Sooooooooo, losing myself and winding up behind the glass was,in one way, horribly frightening in that I couldn't rely on myself for anything. At the same time, the aloneness was distilled into its purest form, and I was comfortable. Now when I'm frightened (like these past few days in America!) I seek aloneness.

You need to come down here and hang with CG for a couple of days. She's been good medicine for me, and the three of us would probably be good medicine for each other.


Oh, Cielo, that would be unbelievably wonderful. And I am becoming comfortable with myself.

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