A Love Story - Part 3

Love's got everything to do with it.

I recently made a statement (borrowed shamelessly from Grey's Anatomy) that I lived every day these days at an 8. And that was the truth. What I am discovering is that there are 8s and then there are 8s. The second does not negate the first, it's just of an entire other flavor.

To clarify, my original 8 centered around overwhelm, fear and a probable need to have my freaking meds adjusted as well as some unresolved issues and my stubborn refusal to let anything go until I'd reconciled it to something I could understand and live with. What that really boiled down to was my base line belief that I would be hurt no matter what. I recall telling my husband that the 8 didn't necessarily have a lot to do with him directly, it just was what it was. That's hard to hear if you think you're supposed to do something about it and the truth is nobody can do that nor should they be expected to.

Another flavor of pain at an 8 is the physical kind. Turns out I'm really good at dealing with that. I can sink right into myself and either be with it or ride the waves. I am not a screamer when it comes to physical pain. Unfortunately I tend to seriously under report and that's nearly gotten me dead once or twice.

The third flavor of pain is is the pain of grief. As it turns out, for me at least, this is not a suicidal fear or pain at all. It's purely functional, as in how do I get up, work out (because I think those endorphins are the one thing that kicks me off with a fighting chance), shower, shave (because that's normalcy, right?), dress, apply make up, put in my contacts if I think I can keep the tears to a minimum and my glasses if I believe I cannot.

There are moments when I believe I simply cannot bear it one second longer and will do something rash. Not rash as in hurt myself, that need seems to be gone right out the window (maybe it's self preservation or a final surrender, I'm betting it's surrender and THAT is a very reassuring thought). But rash in terms of causing undo pain or harm to others. Of believing I cannot be functional when in fact I know that is not true. Not for me, it isn't my way.

An event is just that. An event. We make of it what we will. We can choose to be mired or we can choose to let it wash over us leaving us engulphed in the truth of it all. This is not a drowning by any means. It's an acceptance. The more I fight it the worse it gets and the harder it is to move through it.

I think of child birth. I've had three children with large gaps in between (five and nine years). With each labor I learned to let go and wash through the waves sometimes chewing the sheets and sometimes just panting. Sometimes there were tears but never any outright crying and certainly no screaming. At the point of transition when the body called mine becomes something else entirely and I have no control there is only one thing to do - push through it. That's a scary thing because the ring of fire we all hear about is exactly that and the only way through is through.

I think of love that way these days. And by love I don't mean the romantic flowers and puppy dog love. I mean the enduring commitment that has us move mountains. I think that in the letting go of the me creates the space for something infinitely greater and quite honestly, precious beyond belief.

So here is an event. I have it. I am in it and the only way to be is just 'is'.

Try that sometime. I am.

Comments

[madcap]

Hi Alecto,

I'm not sure exactly what to read into all this, but it seems like a difficult time, so all the best possible to you in it.

My only more specific thought is that it DOES take two to play catch, and if someone decides to walk off the field there's no game. If you keep throwing the ball you end up chasing it yourself.

[alecto]

Hi MC - yes, I can explain this. I'll try to be succinct but you know me...

There are two schools of thought that I subscribe to. The first is quite extreme and while I've never had to get in that space myself I have seen it done. The belief is that if you stand hard and long enough for a thing, relationship or otherwise and are willing to give up everything you know, want or believe, that you can indeed create something out of nothing.

The other, which is where I firmly believe I'm at is that the other player is not off the field. He's just not on the field you happen to have last been playing ball. Think of the story about the rats in the tubes looking for the cheese. The rats keep going until the cheese is found. The people go down the tube and say, hey! where the hell are you? You were here a minute ago! Sometimes it takes getting the hell out of the known tube (and good god that can be painful) and going on the journey to find the other place and being. It means letting go of everything except belief. My guy is not in my house right now but my guy is still in the game. Right now it's his game and he doesn't even know the rules. Right now is the time of me letting go of me and finding us. I can do that; it's what I meant when I said for better or for worse. Hope that makes some kind of sense.