Alecto's Ophelia

On cues, visual or otherwise

My dogs amuse the hell out of me at the moment. Every night it's been the same routine. In and out in and out the big dog has one long tube from in to out with regard to fluids. The little guy, he holds it until he really needs to face the ice. 

So here we all are, the girls and dogs and I and little girl goes to bed and the music might be on or the television or lord help us, both at the same time plus big girl with her headset plugged into the computer simultaneously watching episodes of House online and whatever else on TV and we're just as ADD as it gets I think. Something like that.

Anyway, there's a point in time when certain cues occur. For instance, I turn off the computer. That's instant cue that we're going to bed. Another is what little dog feels is the last time outside. And then big dog might start going down the hall wondering why we're not coming with him.

Last night I shut down early and they both went suddenly bonkers. It was quite all right with little dog but big dog didn't know what to do with himself. Drink more water? Maybe more food? Do I need to pee to poop to go out and eat ice? Oh no oh no oh no I think I'll chew a shoe instead. NOT.

Finally they settled down and I turned the computer back on. Big dog ignored this. Little dog implored me to reconsider. He sat at my feet in a state of misery until sometime between 9:30 and 10, as every night, we went to bed.

They were exhausted over the anticipation back and forth and slept like well fed babies, for the most part.

How many of us respond to verbal or visual or other types of cues and don't even know? What happens when we're not conscious of what occurs around us and how we behave?

I think a lot about this lately.

My dogs, they're awesome.

On being catless

Catless is just weird, weird, weird. I’ve had a cat since I was four years old. There may have been a month or two after I left home before I got another but I’ve always had at least one. My daughter, all her life.

 

Now. No cats, no cats nowhere. We haven’t even removed the litter box yet even though it’s perfectly clean because before she went there was nothing going in and nothing coming out.

 

We don’t even know where she is. That’s the hard part. No smell, no sign, chance she slipped outside but hard to say. We know we have to tear the house up sooner rather than later but there’s been so much going on we’re in avoidance.

 

We talked about getting another but now is not the time. Daughter just wants to know it will happen before she goes to college. She has one more year of high school, I suspect we’ll have another rescue kitty by then.

 

Just not now. Now we are catless. Lets see how that feels for a bit.

On muscle memory, mind, body or soul

I am almost positive that I have had the same yahoo account for at least 8 years. Same user ID, same password.

 

Seriously.

 

I set the account up initially for the calendar so that my direct reports could see my schedule and request meetings or appointments. So they had the password.

 

Everybody had the password and as time moved on there were sensitive documents and I never made a change.  Nothing bad ever happened either.

 

The other day I changed the passwords on all of my email and other accounts. I did this for several reasons but mostly because my doctor TOLD me to and I actually listened to him even though it hit more land mines than I care to think about it.

 

So anyway, I changed my password, right? How long before I stop typing the old one automatically? I’d say it’s got a half life of…

 

Anyway, muscle memory, for one thing or another takes some getting used to and discipline to change. Focus and clarity and it doesn’t matter what you’re changing, change will occur.

 

 

Bikram - Part 3

Today, easier, today, more ass kicking, today, feel better on the way out and here now at home.

Today I found my toes with precious little effort. Today, laying flat on the floor with my hands on my center which is what I do before I open myself up, I reached down a little and felt these two strange yet oddly familiar bumps.

My hip bones.

How long I wonder before flat tummy. Maybe this is TMI but if you've been reading here for awhile, I tend to do that. So on the subject of flat tummy, here I am rapidly approaching 45 and losing weight at a pretty good pace and what the hell am I supposed to do with all this, um, skin?

Extra skin won't do at all. Have to work on that. I don't do cosmetic surgery (even though I fantasize now and then mostly about a boob job but the older I get the happier I am they're not doing much more than they did when I was twenty). So my skin has generally been pretty elastic and I bet with the right diet and plenty of fluids I can shrink that back too.

Segue back to the hot room. It was 120 in there at some point during the class and he opened the door to cool it down. I had not noticed until he said something. It is also easier to go in there twenty minutes early and just breathe. It no longer makes me want to run out of the room for air.

My lung capacity is increasing dramatically. This, in spite of smoking a pack a day (no lectures, people, it's keeping the top of my head glued on right now and I don't think I'll need it much longer). Anyway, lung capacity increasing fast. Feels good.

Balance was off a little and that is indicative of not eating properly again. Back to basics, three good meals a day and grazing. No more skipping for any reason, even if it's just a little. Need to hydrate more too.

Today is a big day for many reasons. Today I give freely. Love asks for nothing. It just is. (A Course in Miracles)

9/11 upside down

I didn't know how I was going to watch this today. To start with I thought it was 8 AM and figured, OK, I can listen on the way to the office. Then I find out I'm wrong and I'm thinking I can surreptitiously watch listen quietly on CNN at noon.

And then I got an IM from my boss about coverage in the large conference room and I went, the same way I went on 9/11 to watch with my co-workers as the second plane hit the second building.

The atmosphere was as stunned and speechless all these years later. As many people as possible jammed into this room staring up at that screen.

Except this time it was all upside down. The hope and fear and dreams in that room sucked the oxygen out and fed it right back in.

I counted six obvious nationalities, maybe more I just don't recognize.

We don't show emotion at this company other than anger.

What I saw and sat in today was a level of intensity and hope and belief that nearly wiped out what I saw and sat in not so many years ago.

And then, you know what? This time we went back to work. Hopeful.

Happy

There's a lot I can't change in this world. I can do a lot of praying and I can have a boat load of faith and I can be intent as hell on a result but I can only change me. I'm working on that. Hard.

On the other hand, here I am again, back a lot sooner than I expected and I've discovered a couple of remarkable (to me) things.

1. I'm strong. As in Seriously, stupendously amazingly strong.
2. I am resilient to the point that I scratch my head sometimes and say, oh really, Alecto? You don't say.
3. I am persistent as all get out (Ok, I knew that).

And I am really, really happy to be here. In this space, with you.

Bikram notes from the master's trenches

I went online looking for Bikram philosophy and found a blog detailing the nine incredible weeks of instructor training  Bikram Blog.

This is out of context and it comes at the end but I wanted to share it because for me, it landed hard.

Let me end with a few more choice Bikram quotes from this week:

"The darkest place in the world is underneath the lamp."

"The only thing most Americans hear is ‘Take it easy, honey’, ‘Don’t hurt yourself’. Come to my class you hear something completely different."
 

"In America, you don’t say ‘cheat’, you say ‘compensate’."

"My yoga is the most incredible invention in all of civilization. Ask me why. Because people survived without electricity, without antibiotics, without air travel, etc. But yoga helps people survive. It gives you a better life. I can live without music, I can live without all that. I can live happily in a cave in the Himalayas. But we need heath to survive. That’s why this invention is more important than anything else anyone invented. Why am I talking that? Who got me off track??"

"My mother and father fight every 7 minutes. But they know when to stop. In American, no one knows when to stop. They are extremists, in America, they over do it. Yoga teaches balance, moderation."

"Did I clear myself?"

"Yesterday I explained to you why women get fat ass pretty quickly."

"PMS is American bullshit."

"Nobody on this earth knows the women character better than I do! (grunt) You women are bulletproof."

"Men don’t change. They are like used car: buy as it. No change."

"Don’t tell people what they want to hear. Tell them what they need to hear. Tell the truth."

"Which pain is good pain? How do you tell which pain is good from the pain that is bad? When you die."

"People act so weird, especially when they are upside down."

"Make your life and other people’s life better."

Bikram - Part two

Don't let anybody steal your peace. If you do, you are fifty percent responsible.

Much, much better this time. I walked out peaceful instead of nearly falling over. I felt good. I still feel good. He said something about 90 minutes in this room is fifteen days of good health. And I believe that.

I stayed through the end to Namaste which I missed last time or it just didn't happen (regular instructor this week). At Namaste I let go and released, released, released and then stood up and walked out of the space and into, well, into something peaceful at least.

At least. Funny statement.

So that's it for the yoga story today, nothing funny in the changing room (sweats is good to have!)

Now on with the day which is all about mind, body, spirit, soul. And maybe some laundry if the mood strikes me.

The experience of cold

So much for being dormant. Maybe the cold woke me up.

Yesterday was the expected coldest day of the week so we bundled accordingly. When I got up at six and had a look at the yahoo front page it informed me that my location was currently at -6 (that's Fahrenheit). I didn't believe it.

During my run on the elliptical the news said something much warmer, like 7 or 8 or maybe even higher. We bundled anyway, got into the car and drove to the end of the driveway like the babies we are and waited with the engine running for the bus. We like to watch the temp gage drop.

And drop it did, one degree at a time until it got down to about 11 and I thought, oh good, it's getting warmer and she got on the bus.

On the way to the train station I happened to glance at the thermometer and it read 4. Wow, I thought. Then I noticed the little minus sign to the left. Not possible, I'm thinking. Then I see 3 and then 2 and when it hit 0 the minus sign went away. At 1 a plus showed up (who knew?) and there it stayed all the way to the station and through the entire 20 minute wait for the train.

I went into the station coffee house for a bottle of water to keep in my backpack and the woman was so very cold despite the space heaters around the place. I was looking for a publication called Natural Awakenings, she had no idea what I was talking about. I went back to waiting.

I looked like a bear walking from the station to the office. Polar fleece hood pulled up tight over my head and down onto my forehead. Hood of long down coat pulled up over that and both fleece and coat zipped up well over chin.

By the time I reached the office I marched straight to the ladies room hauled everything else and then nearly soaked my head to get the static out of my hair. I left muddy foot prints on the floor and then made my way to my desk and got on with it.

Later we went out at lunch and it wasn't nearly as bad and the walk much shorter and on the way back I got some actual yoga pants that won't fall down (maybe) this morning and warmer sweats to wear afterward.

When I walked back to the station it was probably 10. It felt positively balmy.

I think this year I am OK with the cold. It allows me to really experience what warm means.

Unexpected

I bought the usual bulb in a box at a hardware store a month before Christmas, followed the requisite instructions and up popped a mediocre bloom (which is better than the one I took to the office which did nothing). However, my expectations were met given what I bought and where and continued to water it while the old bloom finished it's process.

And then the most amazing thing happened. Another shoot came up off the bulb. I thought, this isn't going anywhere but the bulb knows what it's doing and one day there were three magnificent blossoms on the one stalk.

Looking out my kitchen window in the quiet of falling snow, the juxtaposition of the unexpected and beautiful just felt to profound not to share.