Honestly, I'm not sure what got into me but that's not so unusual. I plugged back in yesterday meaning the match.com profile went live again. I unplugged (with my heart in my throat and a bunch of editorial comments) on January 4. The nice thing about a Life blog is you can go back and check that sort of thing which I did well after the fact because when I get it in my head I'm going to do something there's no sense clouding it up with justifications like time and has it been long enough and all that. In any case, it's been seven weeks which makes me thing of Little Girl's ear piercing. Seven to eight weeks (which in her case has turned into going to be a full 12 because those holes in her ears want to close right back up) which is the time prescribed to heal a broken leg or close up a wound or keep something open or whatever.
But I went and did it for whatever reason or reasons. And it wasn't as simple as all that either. I suppose I could have just logged on and clicked the 'come out of hiding switch' but I knew perfectly well I needed to rewrite the profile which meant I actually had to think about it which is, by the way really important, this being conscious business. Alecto wrote all the old profiles, Alcyone needs to write her own.
A week or so back Pataskala, who is always trying (and does a pretty good job too) to make me laugh sent an article specific to this part of the country titled (I think, or at least it should have been) The Top Ten Reasons You Aren't Married. It wasn't meant for me at all. She and I share a very similar sense of humor and because she spent enough time in this part of the country and I'm still here we're painfully aware of these top ten reasons, they're all around us. I did laugh, I laughed hard and long and then I felt sort of bad because I used to coach women like that and they were just plain sad, lost in their own sort of time and place for whatever reason(s) and they just couldn't see it.
I had trick and it still works I think, maybe to some extent for most people unless you've already learned to live without a mirror. The trick is to stand in front of a mirror and scrunch your eyes closed real tight and think of nothing and then open them all of the sudden. You get exactly one second to see you without seeing the mask you've invented. In that moment you have a chance to see something outside the carefully constructed walls that keep you locked in prison of your own making (physician, heal thyself). Mostly it's in the eyes I think but I'm not really sure anymore.
Anyway, back to that top ten list, there was something that hit a note but it didn't hit right away. To be honest I'm not sure if it landed before or after I plugged back in. I have a feeling it was before but maybe just on the periphery but I'll tell you it landed like a ton of bricks after the fact. There was also this other thing; remembering the lecture I gave Florkow back in September of 2009 about getting that one engine started manually and that's probably what got me going in the end because in the back of one of those damp dark resources I've been hiding something I really did not want to look at. I also knew I couldn't really see it which is why I put it back there in the first place because no matter how many times I squeezed my eyes shut I saw exactly the same things when I opened them. The mirror trick wasn't working anymore; I needed to just walk away from the damn thing for awhile, maybe walk away from that mirror forever.
So I went online and I rewrote the profile and clicked the Send for Approval button which approved within about 20 seconds (damned disturbing if you asked me; it was as if those damned robots were waiting for me) and when I went back to the place where you click the link to turn the profile on or off I discovered that when you submit for approval it turns back on by default. Well alrighty then, here we go.
I knew I was going to have to move around the site a little to prime the well so to speak; it won't prime itself immediately. I went to the search area which isn't fun anymore by the way. I have learned a few things. I've learned what to avoid in the headlines and I've learned what to avoid in the primary photographs. Anything overtly sexual is exactly that. Anything overtly hostile, same thing. As a matter of fact, don't even click there just to see where it goes unless you mark your profile invisible because you're asking for trouble and personally I'm not even curious anymore.
Don't click where you've clicked before unless you've maybe bypassed someone for all the wrong reasons. There are other key indicators but those are my top three. After awhile I stopped and then went back to my activity page to see if anything was going on. A little bit. OK, good enough. Before I shut down there were a couple of 'winks'. Winks are things you can send if you don't want to take the time (or don't have the inclination or imagination) to write something. In the case of my profile it means you didn't get past the first couple of lines and the photograph because I'm pretty clear at the bottom that I won't respond to them.
Having declared it good enough I shut down and walked away. It was time for my noon nap anyway.
Ack. Within five minutes of crawling into my nice warm cave I was hit with a bad case of the willies. My stomach hurt, I felt sick as hell, I wanted to run right back out there and turn that damn thing off. Danger, danger, danger, NOT ready! Oh HELL no, turn it OFF NOW!
Sigh. OK, no, now stop that, OK? You can't turn it off until you've at least looked at the reasons why you have this overwhelming need to do so. There's no turning and running just because you think you're going to throw up on your feet. No obvious cowardly behavior in the first five minutes. If you decide to be cowardly later on at least have the good graces to have stood in the face of it for a little while. Better yet, at least stand there long enough to come up with something reasonable. And besides, nobody said you have to respond to anything or even go back out there if you don't want to. You just have to face what you're feeling.
I didn't feel right the rest of the day.
So I cleaned. The house needed it anyway. We all cleaned. I took on the kitchen, Little Girl took on her room (I close my eyes when she does that) and Lucia attacked the living room. By the time that was over I was at least past the anxiety part and managed to go back to the site and look around again and low and behold I found what looks like a bonafide Connecticut Cowboy a nice safe 68 miles away (not likely to find any in my 25 mile radius anyway). I wrote him an email. It was pretty straight forward and walked away again. Later I came back to see whether he'd read it or not and once I could see that he had and wasn't playing games about it either (if you read it from your personal inbox it won't mark as read from the site) it wasn't on me anymore.
And then I sat down again and stopped thinking. Cleared my head out as well as I could and just let it in.
Oh man, this hurts. I got a bad case of the I'm broken beyond repair and good for no one and never will be. I keep hearing this gawd awful Kelly Clarkson song. She's singing 'because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk' and when I do hear that song, which isn't all that often it makes me angry because it's a lashing out victimy sort of thing and that young lady is holding onto some sort of abuse for dear life and abuse or not she's stuck with it. AND, in the interest of being honest, I also cry when I hear that song. Sometimes I cry quite a bit.
No point in going into the whys and the hows of how I got to be exactly here; point is I did get here and the only way out is to stop holding it dear and climb on out. So that thing on the top ten list was something about not liking yourself all that much and therefore being attracted to men who weren't going to like you much either or were certainly going to provide you with ample 'you sure don't matter much' evidence. Good God, woman, DON'T GO THERE, THAT THERE WOULD BE THY VERY OWN SOURCE O'CRACK.
I had a bit of trouble sleeping last night but I woke up about five minutes before the alarm went off this morning and in my dream I was putting pieces of something together. It wasn't a wall so much but I was definitely working pretty hard on repairing something. I was on my knees in the woods but they weren't dark woods, there was sunlight and while I wasn't super cold I wasn't freezing to death either.
I did go back online this morning and there he was right up at the top of the 'who's been looking at me lately' list. Something flip-flopped in my stomach. Might have been butterflies. Could be. Nothing over the top though and I think that's a good thing; certainly different than the last time I was on that site.
Back to the top ten list. Hold yourself up as something that actually matters, Woman and stop blaming that guy who dropped you over a cliff like a piece of trash and do your best to get past that. Even if you have to fake it for awhile, just do it. Don't do it for a boyfriend or a husband or any sort of evidence; do it because you matter and you're the only person in the whole wide world who can say it is so.
Now where the hell did I put my boots? Because that's what I wear when I'm not looking in the mirror.