Lake Michigan

yep. firefox did it. typepad isn't prepared to cope with i.e. 9 at this point although they did suggest I join a beta team (no comment). bank of america online banking (I live there), on the other hand is a disaster with both i.e. 9 and firefox. this should not be a surprise to anyone.

So here's my lizard. Last weekend I think. I took the picture last weekend? Anyway, this was where and how I left her when I left the house on Monday morning. This is not the where and how of my lizard today but we don't need to get into that. OK, maybe we do. Maybe what I'm not going to do is post any photographs. That would be a horrible breech of trust; she'd never forgive me. I'm not even going to photograph the wreckage but I will tell you the tiara is in multiple pieces and I'm going to be scrubbing the lip gloss off the walls for a long time. Oh wait. All I have to do is let the dogs keep licking it off and that's only going to take a few more days. I needed to paint anyway. I have no idea what happened to the mirror but I do know there was duct tape involved by Thursday. Purple duct tape. Half a roll of it. Thank you, Butters.

So. Week One.

I'm still sort of afraid to talk about this for the same reason I didn't want to talk about it all that much during the getting there process; it was all just too weird to the point of me wondering if this was really going to happen since it all seemed to be happening in a backasswards sort of way. Or improbable or something like that. And also I didn't want to jinx it. I still don't want to jinx it because for a lot of reasons I do want to be there. My Facebook status changed at least once this week (and probably only once because by the time I dragged my sorry self in the door each night I surely was NOT logging onto anything remotely resembling a computer) to Alecto Learned Something Yesterday.

I was going to add (and it was really cool!) but decided to leave it as that because there was a lot more going on than learning a bit of unknown script, syntax and context in an archaic tool to prove a point while underfire and probably being tested and some of that wasn't the least bit cool. And that's OK too. Falls into the Good To Know bucket.

Anyway. The rest of what I want to talk about is going to be kind of dicey because part of one of the many things I've already signed is a non-disclosure form specifically relating to blogs, Facebook and other social networking sites. It's OK to talk about the company but you'd better be very, very careful. Those weren't the exact words but the point was made and the reasons are perfectly obvious the first of which is keyword search. The rest will become readily apparent.

The company produces absolutely nothing BUT is in a business that is absolutely counter to the way I live my life with a few exceptions. The first thing that jumped out at me during orientation was the internal mission to do away with cash in the world. As I began to process this little bit of internal kool-aid I reached into my virtual backpack and did two things simultaneously: I laid a large flat piece of kryptonite on top of the lizard umbilicus (AS IF, but desperate times call for desperate measures) and pulled out a handful of filters and strapped them on all at once. Unfortunately a filter only covers the mouth; it does nothing about facial expression above the mouth. I've been told I have the most incredibly expressive eyes and even through six or seven layers of filter a few squeaks got out on Monday.

In any case, once filtered I started looking for ways to get around The Borg problem because I'm a user of the WRONG BRAND because my bank is a user of the WRONG BRAND and if I want to buy lunch at the cafeteria I'm going to get away with using cash for awhile (at a 5% surcharge - let me explain - you get a discount for using the CORRECT BRAND OF DEBIT OR CREDIT CARD but tell me, what does that really mean?) but eventually it's going to become patently obvious that I've failed to assimilate. I will call my bank and attempt to get them to issue the correct flavor debit card but I don't know that they're franchised correctly. The rest of the explanation is irrelevant; let's just say I walked face first into a war on cash I'm not going to win. The way out is to find the way around, under or over it. I'm sure I'll work it out one way or another without having to bring my lunch every single day no matter what.

That was minor; just a bit of culture shock. Sort of funny from 500 feet back.

Getting lost in the system is not so funny. Notice the present tense. I'm still lost in the system. There is no electronic verifiable record of employment. I am not technically insured. Yes. I have a printout of my insurance paperwork which proves that I made the proper elections within the 30 day period and I did this online and then printed the document after submission. When I went back to the portal everything but my two dependents had vanished. Everything. My name and address exist but my payroll information does not. At no point have I been asked for my beneficiary information. I am automatically enrolled in a 401k at 6% and the only way to change that is to find the enrollment option online. It's not there. Well, that's not really a problem if I'm not getting paid because I don't exist.

Ah. And then there's the issue of actually getting paid. Let's say they find me but my direct deposit information is lost. The alternative is not a live check. That's not done. The alternative is a front loaded debit card mailed to my house. A pin number? That would be created online. Except I'd have to be able to find myself first. None of this is even remotely funny.

It gets worse. People care. There is a woman checking on me almost daily. She's panicked because if I'm not smiling my boss isn't smiling or somebody isn't smiling because I think they're afraid I'll just leave and go back to my old job or something. I haven't unpacked a single personal item (and it's not because I'm thinking about not staying, it's because I haven't had time). There are plenty of people trying to make this work but nobody doing anything I can see about fixing it the old fashioned way; through the back door with paper forms, fax machines and phone calls. And I've asked, I really have.

I have no doubt that all of this will eventually work itself out. The real battle I'm fighting is with myself.

I'm going to have to continue to intercede because nobody else is going to do it, at least not until it becomes painfully obvious. The battle is continuing to intercede without losing my shit. That part of the battle is understanding this is not all about me; this isn't about me at all actually. This is about me learning to navigate in a world so different from anything I've ever been in other than in a consulting capacity that I could very well drown myself if I can't keep from thrashing.

And there's more. The politics. OF COURSE THERE ARE POLITICS YOU RIDICULOUS WOMAN! Pass the filters, please!

So here's the bottom line. None of this is a real surprise. Not even the disappearing into the murk of the system or the slowness to resolve the problem because I had a good heads up on that when my background check got way out of hand. The fact that my boss may or may not be testing me shouldn't be a surprise either; at least not really. I could see that coming too. And I passed, by the way, sort of shocking the shit out of both of us although neither of us really should have been shocked.

None of this is a surprise. My point is (and clearly I'm going to have to keep dragging myself back to this) I made a clear and conscious choice to take this job for a number of reasons. In theory I understood the lake which turned out to be a Great Lake (but at least it's not an ocean). In practice is another thing entirely.

In theory I know perfectly well I can swim. In practice the question is whether or not I will actually do it. Or will I thrash and drown?

I don't think I'll thrash and drown but I do need to make a little less noise, please...

That poor lizard...

Oh. And you do understand what I've described above is just the tip of the iceburg, yes? Just the tip. There is oh so much more... :-) and a good bit of it IS indeed, very, very funny from 500 feet back.

And. Oh crap. See, this is part of the problem. I have entirely failed to mention the part where I'm entirely fascinated with the technical part of what I've walked into. This means I'm mostly not focused on it. It doesn't mean I'm not focusing on it when I'm in the building because I am. It means what I'm bringing home are my fears and my worries and my insecurities.

And my...

WTF have I gotten myself into?

Lake Michigan. That's what. So start swimming. Roll over on your back and rest. Do that dead man's float business if you must. Dog paddle periodically. Tread water. Breast stroke (it's your best). Learn new stuff in private mostly and suck it up when you have to learn new stuff with your boss over your shoulder. Be patient with your co-worker; he can't help it and besides, he's an awfully nice guy. Shut your mouth for the first 30 days. Smile at everybody. Be grateful.

OK. That's better.

Comments

[CG]

up there in I think something like the 7th paragraph where you have the big BUT . . . I don't think that is a "but", I think that is an "and so it". I hope your blip self comes back from vacation soon!

Speaking of cashless tho . . . if you read Martha Ballard's Diary (ok, it isn't really her diary but the book someone wrote about her diary because you may not want to wade through her diary yourself) you find an elaborate system of credit at a time when there wasn't a whole lot of cash around. Now, the big corporation is wanting the opposite of that situation where by you don't trust anyone (and especially not if they are not correctly branded) but cash isn't necessarily king. Gold certainly isn't. Skilz iz.

[Alecto]

Skilz. Yep. Of some sort or another. I got myself rebranded today too. Bank laughed its proverbial head off and pulled out a small supply of properly branded debit cards as if out of a small back room of adult books. I'll have one in 5 to 10 business days. I hope my blip self comes back before my mortgage wants to be paid. I assume that's what you meant by my blip self? Anyway, my properly branded debit card came from a small supply of sports related themes and I had to pick a team. For some reason this struck me as more obnoxious than the card branding itself since that's one of two when it comes right down to it, right? So now I'm going to advertise a baseball team while I'm at it or I've branded myself a Yankee's fan or something like that. Not that's I've got a thing against baseball... we'll consider this a lunchtime emergency card only I suppose. Unless I have to front load it for travel. There's that too.

[Cielo]

You know, you can always go to Safari-World and purchase a front-loaded Green Dot card with the appropriate brand on it so you can buy lunch at the corporate cafeteria. Just a thought. And that front-loaded debit card disguised as a paycheck? That's what Wubby has. He's tried for 3 freakin' years to get his pay auto-deposited to his checking accout, but to no avail. So he has a front-loaded debit card, and every 2 weeks he is charged $2 or so to withdraw his pay from the debit card. Makes my head spin. Funny thing, the debit card is not branded at all.

I worked for two of the largest companies on the planet. Now I am certifiably insane. Do the math.

[shadowmoss]

Friends don't let friends use IE.

Hope your paperwork catches up with you. Not getting paid would suck.

I survived international air travel on Friday the 13th. Culture shock is another thing altogether.

[Cielo]

Amen to that, Shadowmoss. I've tried to convince her that IE is toxic.