I don't really need to get a grip, I just felt like saying (writing) that. It's for Cielo mostly. She'll understand. OK, and maybe it's for the next time I really do need to get a grip which could be in the next twenty minutes or two days; doesn't actually matter because this blog is all about BEING HONEST, RIGHT?! Right.
So there are pigs flying around in my front yard and a trio roosting in my Japanese Maple which is fine with me because that thing was half killed by the freak October storm in 2011 and I felt bad about cutting it down because you just don't do that sort of thing in Weston. At least not intentionally. Now... If three flying pigs were to land in it and sort of snap off the remaining primary boughs... you see where I'm going here, yes? Of course you do.
I never much cared for it anyway. Decorative trees tend to irritate me in the best of circumstances.
It's been nearly three weeks. I've been busy. I stay up too late. I get up too early. I clearly don't get enough sleep and last weekend I promptly stopped eating (it's ok, I started again). I sleep well when I do sleep.
In terms of telling a story, I haven't got one. Well, I do, I'm just not going to tell it right now. I think what's more important is what's going on in my head. I guess I must have done an awful lot of thinking or maybe processing in that dark room during the last four years because my response mechanisms seem to have turned themselves on their collective heads.
I remember my mother talking to me very early after Noman's (do I *really* have to keep calling him that?) departure. She was asking me *why* I wanted him back given who he seemed to be, apparently. And you know, people don't change, we are intrinsically who we are. I saw something the other day that read, um... If you don't like me now, you'll like me even less when I change myself for you. Or something like that. You get the point, maybe. Anyway, she was asking me, can you accept who he appears to be (APPARENTLY) and live with that sort of man? Can you spend the rest of your life like this? That means you get what you get no matter what you want or need. That means you change yourself, pull away and become completely independent. That means, I suppose, that I would have made him a pet, or been a pet? Or something like that. But I loved him SO damn much so I said, yes, yes, yes, I really think I can do that and we all know that was a crock of shit.
The concept of meeting people where they are is not new. Not new to me, not new in the world, not even remotely novel. Thinking about it though, that might be novel. So if you're going to meet someone 'where they are', you accept them with no expectation other than how they show up and you adjust your interaction accordingly. If that space doesn't work for you, you move on. Sounds very grown up, doesn't it? Well let me tell you, people, it takes a lot of work and a great deal of consciousness. I practice it on my friends on a regular basis (did you all know you were guinea pigs? I bet you did). We're different, some of us VERY different and that's a good thing. But if we tried to grab and pull and conform or twist and push and homogenize,not only wouldn't the friendship work (it would cave in pretty damn fast, actually) but we'd end up stuck in our own constructs and I would personally find that pretty damn narrow, given the larger World View.
As challenging as it might be on occasion to maintain meaningful and intimate relationships with your friends from different lives while remaining true to yourself it can be a real bitch when you take it into that other sort of relationship where we introduce that other sort of expectation that's been ingrained into us six ways to hell.
So where was I? Something has sure as hell been perc'ing for the last four years. Maybe I'm tentative. Maybe I'd just like to be treated a little differently. Maybe I'm damn tired of the expectations I've allowed to be placed on my head. Maybe I just don't ever want to feel that mind numbing FEAR that comes with a push me pull me co-dependent game playing now I love you now I don't punishment based relationship. Maybe *I'm* just not willing to be that person anymore.
Honestly, this guy is articulate as all get out. Can I say that? No mind reading going on here. I might be getting mixed signals periodically but then who doesn't? And I don't even know if it's relevant at this point whether it's my stuff or his. If you can tell me you need space I'm going to give it to you and I'm not going to walk away sulking about it. The good news is he doesn't seem to expect that. The sulking, I mean.
NOVEL IS THAT?
OK, maybe not for you but quite honestly in a good many relationships, that is the norm. kinda sucks, doesn't it?
So a lot of times I'm just scared shitless. I can sit here at night thinking about all the things I'm scared about and not worry too much because it doesn't appear to be causing much of a problem. There's this hold and release thing going on. First I have and then I open my hands and release and then I don't have; or maybe I do but I'm not grasping at anything.
That's terribly disconcerting initially because, really, don't we instinctively want to grasp what we love or want or think we need? We do this because we think we're going to lose it, that it might go away or run away or not be ours and all that and then we crush it or it crushes us and yet, you know, we're taught to do this. We really are.
It really wasn't all that difficult to open my hands, my fingers weren't all that cramped either so I must not have had a death grip (good to know), but as I was driving away I felt two things; that twinge of fear and longing that I might never see him again (so close that grip NOW, Woman, before he gets away) and the need to go home to my own bed and crawl into my own quiet space for awhile.
The other thing is this sitting still business. I've never been much for sitting still. If you want something to happen, make it happen. Be at cause, right? There is no doubt in the world that I have always been an agent of change one way or another wherever I go, even when I think I'm being quiet. Right? I hated being compared to a shark once when somebody told me it was because I could walk into a crowded room without saying a word and everybody would know I was there. I still think, contextually or otherwise, he could have come up with a better metaphor, but feedback's feedback.
Sitting still is not entirely new. It's just been so, so long since I was able to sit still. I do remember though. It was way before people became unsafe and way before the world became a terrifying place, way before I felt the need to rush in and drive or herd to avoid being run off a cliff myself or flattened by an oncoming train. Way before I became that oncoming train.
The last time I truly sat still, I might have been 11.
So I think that if I had to pick one thing to pull up out of my box of stuff, that box I'm carrying in my arms as I'm coming out into daylight, it would be the ability to sit still again.
For three days, or nights, or whatever, there were a lot of moments where I felt like I needed to get up and run for whatever reason and one time when I clenched my jaw shut and held it that way for probably a couple of minutes and another where I actually drew my knees into my chest and maybe 4 hours alone in the dark while I wrestled with what I thought I was supposed to be doing but I never once thought of bolting and I never once thought of grasping.
And there was this moment in the near beginning when I had no expectation at all, when the man simply blew me away. If I'd had an expectation of something he may or may not have been able to give, things would have been entirely different, no matter what might or might not have happened.
So I had a great three days dancing at the Flurry and unfortunately I'm going to have to wait another 51 weeks to do it again which just kind of sucks but I'll leave you with this which I really shouldn't because then it's just going to get tracked back here. But maybe not. You can find me on the left starting at about 5:00. Blue dress. Short blond hair. Most of you know what I look like by now. And hey, there were A LOT of people in that room!
One last thing - take the video all the way out to youtube and blow it up to full screen. I mean it. Not kidding.