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January 17, 2014





There is a time to be strong and a time to say f&(* it and give in. In that much pain is when 'strong' is spelled 'stupid'. Imho.


Ok, that was harsh. My first reaction, but harsh. Also, I was talking to myself as much (or more) as I was you. As usual.


I didn't hear harsh at all *and* I totally get where you're coming from. I think about the difference between riding it out and going to the hospital and it came down to morphine this time. The difference between the ambulance ride and the back of the car also came down to morphine because I wouldn't have gotten it within 20 minutes of dialing 911 if I got in the back of the car and there's a good chance I may not have gotten it at al by the time they triaged me and laying on the floor of an ER is a far worse prospect than my own bathroom. Except for the passing out part.

There are no answers as it turns out. Telling somebody it's a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10 when I almost always say a 6 and save the 7 for when I can't talk didn't seem to get anyone's attention. Doc said, let's wait for it to happen again. I didn't start screaming until I got in my car in the parking lot and I only do that sort of thing if I'm absolutely certain I won't get caught. Then I went home, packed an drove North. I cried a lot. I think I'm done doing that. Now I just have to figure out how I'm goon to choose and what I'm going to communicate next time. I think allowing morphine to dull the pain and inhibit true communication of symptoms might be a bad idea.

And yes, I'm perfectly capable of doing this. The car goes to the docs office, any docs office I think. Just not an emergency room. That's what I think today.


Now I just need to get myself to a doctor before the morning I actually can't walk because I let my back get so bad because I don't want to be like my Dad with a bad back and a metal clamp on his spine. I still want to hike the AT. Some mornings I have a hard time walking to the bathroom. And this is the first place I've said any of this out loud, so to speak. So far a hot shower and I can mostly move just fine. The pain is traveling lower, though.


hmmmm.... might indeed be time to have a look at that. Could maybe help avoid a clamp in your spine. You're way too young for that. And I hear you.

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