I've never unpublished a post before. Don't believe in it. Not for any reason. You put it out there, you live with it. That does mean, actually, that I THINK before I hit the publish button. I think long and hard about some things. I think, for instance about what would happen if my company read my blog (in the past it was sort of a crap shoot but now it's not because there's actually a written policy about how I represent my corporation in social media and so there is literally no mention of my corporation by name nor do I go out of my way to denigrate my corporation (and there's no reason to do so, my first 12 weeks notwithstanding, and the end result reflects, subjectively speaking, pretty well on the company IF you come out of Corporate America and don't just have a hard on for the man and need one more excuse to slam it to 'him') other than to discuss basic corporate politics which could be found in any large corporation). I digress.
I have written about my brother rather frankly with the full knowledge that he might very well stumble over these words and I might have some cleanup to do. I have written things about my father that were stumbled over and I did have some cleanup to do. He doesn't read my blog anymore, the content is filtered for him. The point is, I am absolutely aware of every single word I put out here and aware that once published, there are no take backs.
OK, once I did unplublish a post but that's because it was a poorly written piece of tripe and I meant to go back and edit it and you know what happens when I put something in edit mode and walk away... I only mention that in the interest of full disclosure.
So I'm going to unpublish a post.
I do this with some level of misgiving but in questioning my misgiving I notice a stubbornness that comes out of, I don't want to and you can't make me which is pretty damn self centered. I wasn't asked to take it down. I'm taking it down because it caused a tremendous amount of pain. He would like me to take it down because it's inappropriate. We disagree. The end result will be the same.
So here's the thing. In taking the post down I am also taking the comments down and for that I am truly sorry.
I am sorry for taking Shadowmoss's comment down because she was brave enough to say how she felt. Most times when something this honest is held up - it is a mirror. I push buttons. I don't often take what people say personally because it's not my stuff, it's yours. Sometimes your stuff is dead on, by the way. Other times your stuff is just your stuff. All stuff is valid stuff, the question is, valid to what or two whom?
I am not sorry for taking CG's comment down. I broke a long standing rule by leaving it up in the first place and I nearly smacked myself in the head when I realized what I'd done, right after explaining it to Shadow. All comments can stay unless they attack another reader. Referring to or comparing NM to Nomans is an attack. It is hurtful, vindictive and outright nasty. We'll leave the little happy dance about Shadow's comment alone because I can't quite quantify that one but that wasn't exactly pretty. In any event, that should have come down immediately. While I said he didn't read, I couldn't guarantee he didn't or wouldn't read. And clearly he did. And while we're at it, if I said any such thing about your husband, you'd have cows and you'd have a right to them.
Jules. Thank you. That was the most honest, helpful and straightforward thing anybody's said to me in quite awhile. Thank you for recognizing that this is my struggle and that it's about me, not him. You are correct, saying I love you is about giving and if that's what I really mean, then why am I stopping? You interrupted a victim conversation and I was having one.
Cielo, yes, you do have another perspective on the works, don't you? Thank you for talking me off the ledge.
So the post is coming down because I caused pain. None of this was news and none of it isn't up for and in discussion. But it caused pain. I was wrong to have put so much, so raw, so out there on the pages open for attack.
I suppose if something other than attack had come of it, it might not have been so bad but that's what we do, we attack.
No, CG, he's not David, not by a long shot and I think you know that. Check in with your own motives and close your mouth. I don't believe I've ever said that to you before. It's never been worth the price.
Shadow. It's ok.
Jules, you are correct.
Cielo, yes, you are correct, he does indeed love me.
And here is why I don't write the flip side. And this is going to be just awful. The biggest reason is it's just too damn personal. I'm not going to tell you what it's like to be with this man. I'm not going to leave myself or him or us open to public tear down because that's what people do. THAT sort of thing is very, very private.
There was enough information in the post that's coming down about what did work to give you all a clue but for some reason nobody (except maybe Jules?) picked up on that. We seem to want to pick apart and tear down. God, but we're brutal. And we can justify every last bit of it too.
Can you imagine what it must be like to live with a woman like me? Head strong, pain in the ass, puts whatever the hell she feels like out there on the interwebs without so much as a by your leave and shares her fucking FEELINGS with the world at large.
God. What a bitch.
Except he'd never call me that.
He'd just use some very straight forward, direct words to tell me EXACTLY how he felt about it.
Don't know many men willing or able to pull that off.
Yeah, he got in your face once, get over it, you know who you are. He gets in mine on a regular basis. I don't believe I've ever had the balls to be in relationship with a man willing to get in my face. Might be I'm still developing a skill set that doesn't involve evisceration (I know, hard to imagine there's an alternative).
He had to learn to deal with an uptight (yes, I have some serious moments), WASPY stick up the butt, boundary line in the sand where he least expected them crazy ass woman four years out of one nasty ass marriage with some SERIOUS trust issues. In the beginning, he tells me, it was as if he was dealing with someone with PTSD. Every time he got upset with me it looked like a bomb had gone off behind my head. Try dealing with that.
And that's all you're getting. My point is, nobody's perfect. I brought out my struggle and had no issue with people having their stuff in the comment section because, really, when you write like this you hold up a giant mirror and people see what they're going to see.
Even an attack at the mirror. This I know too.
Sometimes you get lucky and there is an eye-opening contribution. Like, Jule's, which boils down to, hey, Alecto, get over yourself and put your money where your mouth is and stop with the victim conversation.
I am sorry I never did hear from any men on the subject of why it's hard to say I love you but I can kind of see why it might be a bit daunting to comment out here. I really just wanted to understand. Or hear about it.Or something.
And I will leave you with this...
In all my 50 years (I'm almost there) I have listened to many, many things. In my listening to women I have heard sadness and disappointment in relationship, spoken in small bits and pieces when, if woven together without benefit of the doubt we'd hear a horror story if we were looking for it. I have listened to men speak of lonliness and confusion, of loss, pain and the inability to find their way home. I listen to so many people speak from the crowds LEAVE HER, STONE HIM! We are so quick to justify our own choices or our own agendas and there are so few of us left willing to say, cleve to each other for there is only you, and I and me, and we, and us and as one of my favorite people in the whole wide world periodically asks me:
Why do you put up with me?
and I say:
Whatever would I do without you? (and doesn't your husband say the same damn thing?)