Desire

In this amazing light

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I am so tired. I am almost flatline. I am alternately hot and cold and I hear the sound of my six year old's voice from the kitchen; she is busy, busy, busy. It is not that late but the last two weeks have been hard days, hard weeks blending into hard nights and no matter how much I love most of my life, it takes it's toll.

I am so tired.

I remember getting out of the bed and going for a run this morning.  I made some kind of leap in the last day or two and my lungs are coming along nicely. It was three months on January 3 since David and I quit smoking and I can feel my old athleticism raising it's weary and oft abused head. My body wants to run and run and run. This is good for the rest of me but in the beginning it wears me out. On the other hand, since my running coincided with the hysteria at work maybe it's kept me going.  I won't ever know.

I ran and ran and ran this morning.  I let my heart rate push into the 180s and I didn't have an asthma attack, I just kept running.  When I got off the ride I was soaked and weary in such a good, clean and connected to myself way. I went up the stairs, collected my fluids and got on with the day.

There is something in the running for me that is probably there for other runners but I don't talk to other runners the same way so I don't know.  Once, when David and I were in Vegas for nine days we went out to Redrock and I took him bouldering.  He's quite game. In the end we went running in the desert for no apparent reason other than it was there and we were dressed for it, with the big big sky above us and the desert and buttes all around and I vanished into the earth and sky and was only that until my body gave out and I came out the other side scrubbed and clean and breathing hard. When I vanish into all this, God bleeds through the periphery or maybe the periphery bleeds through God and I can stand in His light and forget all I don't know and want and need and fall back into the always. And I am not alone. I am not alone because I am not I.  This only lasts for awhile but it's good while it lasts.

When I run in the house it's strange for me because I really go all the way away. I'm in the lower level and the television is on to distract me from the unnatural silence of inside but once I leave it doesn't matter anymore. But this is not the same thing as running in the desert. I am sorry sometimes that the desert is not right out my back door.  On the other hand, the world is out there so that's OK.

So this morning I run and I get on with the day and everything is OK until I decide to take a small  bite out of Corp Controller.  It was just a little bit, honest. But a bite all the same. And I did so well yesterday. Today I just needed to grab my handy roll of duct tape, wrap them all up, stuff them in a corner and start getting on with the getting on. I did my best to behave until we got through the last proof of concept, my contractor did his stuff, left the building and I got back to the gigantic, looming task list. Looming because I really have not been able to do my day job for two weeks.  Uh....

The phone started ringing right after my contractor left.  It's like they knew.  How do they know?  On the one hand, it's positively erie.  On the other hand I am touched beyond belief that for whatever cosmic reason, they don't start making those 'I'm in serious pain' noises until I put out the last fire and can actually start focusing on my day job again.

I kind of have to explain this.  I have a lot of internal clients and many databases running on 3 applications and I'm moving on to a couple more. Two of my primary groups, not counting all of the local controllers and corporate accounting, are Sales and Safety. I love and adore Sales and Safety. I would rather jump out my sixth floor window then let any of them down. I also love Treasury (even if nobody else does), Legal, AR, AP and all of IT. Sales and Safety called today in serious pain. I was so happy to hear their voices I don't think they knew what to do with me. I told them how happy I was to hear from them and how I'd been thinking about them. They seemed kind of stunned. But really, after the last two weeks it's so nice to be able to talk to someone with a need that I can easily resolve if I can just carve out some time.  I promised Monday to both groups. What I love most about these guys is that when I'm missing a deadline not only do they know why already (because it's ususally due to something cataclysmic) but they already assume anything I can give them is cream.

So I'm talking to these guys and I am perfectly aware that as soon as my contractor and I finished reviewing his work my brain shut down.  It was OVER. I'm taking notes and I realize I won't be able to read them so I go to my outlook calendar and start making appointments with myself.  I'm telling the Safety VP this while I'm chastising him for not being on the Vegas boondoggle with the rest of Vince's team. I tell him I have to leave. He is so good about this.  He knows I won't let him down. And that's all it takes to keep me going.

I drive home through the back roads of Southern Connecticut because I95 on Friday is an exercise in futility. The final light of the day kisses treetops, reflects off damp road and I wind through the lower extremities and find myself home again pulling into my quiet driveway and turning off the ignition.

I sit quietly in this amazing light and feel around for synapsis that may or may not be firing.  I am so tired. And it is good. I open the door, grab my things and head into the house.

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