On the state of being fearful

I'm going to look at fear tonight. By and large, I am not a fearful person. I might be technically afraid of something, I might shy away or back off but I am not fearful. I do not lay awake at night being afraid. I am not paralyzed by fear unless I have to go anywhere near our CEO and president (I do NOT know why he has that kind of effect on me). When something is scaring me my natural inclination is to either a) do something about it or b) ignore it or c) just blow the whole thing up and be done with it.

I am scared right now though. I am so scared I'm down right stupid. I am afraid of something that is only the smallest possibility, something that I've been aware of for as long as I've been in relationship with my husband. Something that just now has got my attention in the ugliest possible way.

I am scared to death that my husband is going to get sick and die a horrible death and that I am not going to be able to bear it. I am scared that this is overdue; after all, his own father was diagnosed with Parkinson's at 38 and NoMans is almost 44. I am scared that he's going to be frightened and alone and disconnected and that I will become an utter lunatic and just make things worse.

I don't know why I'm scared just now. Could be Jeffrey dying like he went and did. Could be that small cough or bit of difficulty NoMans had swallowing the other day or the way he breathes like a freight train when he's really, really tired and maybe not sleeping as well as he should. Could be my crazy lizard brain just checking in or it could be real and I just don't know it on top yet.

It could be anything at all. All I really know is how I feel. That's how I feel. Today, yesterday, maybe tomorrow. Nothing to be done but have it. Funny how that works.