So. It up and whacked me over the head yesterday as I was driving to the Purple Planet for a post-Bikram pre-work shower (nice, huh?).
Speaking of which, I've made a perfect step by step dismount from my upped medication such that I'm back where I started with no ill effects and good lord I'm feeling much better! I'll be seeing the doc at 1 today to confess my sins and have a heart to heart conversation about what's really going on and how we're going to address it without upping the dosage on ANYTHING! Except maybe exercise.
I got through every single posture at yesterday's sunrise class without an ill effects either. The sudden reflux from whenever I was last in (I can't remember? ooooh, badness, Alecto) threatened but didn't do much more than bark. The best part was I felt home. Thank God. Finally. Not making it through the postures was out of lethargy and a solid dose of I don't give a rat's ass and I'm just gonna lay down now because I feel like it. How humiliating. Good that's over.
Ahhh, yes, ok, This Dog Bites. Back when Nomans and I were at marriage counseling (ohdeargod that was pure aweful - did nothing but make both of us feel horrible about ourselves and I don't CARE if that's what the therapist said was supposed to happen, that's fcking SADISTIC) I was doing my usual freakout over his upcoming trip which was always a sore point in our relationship, this fear I had. What he seems to have forgotten was he had the same or even worse for awhile. Maybe it would have been different if I'd traveled as much. Maybe he would have had some perspective. Let us keep in mind that he QUIT HIS JOB because he was afraid I might actually be sleeping with husband number two. He confessed this years later. I was absolutely horrified.
At this one particular session the therapist is trying to get me to tell Nomans what I'm so afraid of and Jesus, that isn't hard, I already know the answer except she doesn't like it. She wants me to say that I'm afraid to be alone and needy and pathetic and that he should be given more space. Well, yeah, that's true but the root of it, and I said this over and over again is that I was terrified he simply would not come back.
I had plenty of evidence to suggest that might be true but since when is that a good reason to hold someone in his past? It's not, actually, it's just a data point but doesn't mean it isn't worth watching either. Just don't live in that place.
She made me say 'not all dogs bite' over and over again and I did say it through the tears and snot and hiccoughs from sobbing out of pure terror and disbelief. OK. Not all dogs bite. Well that's true I suppose depending on the dog in question.
I was at dinner with Nomans on Tuesday night and the purpose, please don't yell at me people, was to discuss Little Girl because she's crying again and this time she's finally gotten to the 'it's because I suck' stage; that's why he doesn't love me and has gone away from me (not from Mom, from Little Girl). I cried through a lot of this. I did my very best not to but it's hard for me to look him in the eye and say these things because I haven't had a positive result yet (Alecto, this is insanity) but you know, I do keep trying every time I get side swiped by something.
What am I supposed to do, tell this kid her step-dad is broken and probably always was? At least from the point we got him. Yeah, probably that's exactly what I'm supposed to do instead of the 'keep loving him, he loves you, he's going through some stuff right now and we need to have compassion'. You know, even I feel a little queasy re-reading that last sentence.
I started the conversation by stating the following:
- I'm making this all up. I could be full of shit.
- This is not about you, it's about me, the observations I've made and what I've made up to reconcile what has and has not happened since you left.
- PLEASE stop me if this becomes too much. My intention is NOT to make you nuts; I'm trying to get something through to you and if I don't say these things then the results are on my head.
I don't need to revisit what I said, it makes me kind of nauseous but I was getting at a midlife crisis and maybe the fact that he didn't see Little Girl was my fault and what could I do to change that. This went on for quite awhile because I was really struggling and he was, I think, being very patient until suddenly he said...
I have to go.
He said also, I think, this has nothing to do with you, nothing to do with what you said or need to say. I said, too much too much? He hesitated and then said yes. I hit a hot spot at the word erase which was on top of the hot spot about him doing the same or similar to the boys and all of it being binary, black and white, either or.
I called him yesterday mostly to see if he'd answer the phone. He did. I made a request (thinking really hard about the fact that he went from supportive to I have to go about two years ago). I asked that he give me a little warning when it's getting to be too much. As in, stop me and say so!
He said: I would have had to stop you at the beginning because this is the same stuff all over again. I don't think I bothered to ask him why he didn't just say that then, because for Pete's sake if that's the filter he's hearing through not even I feel like barfing my way through that mess.
I said my intention was to communicate something entirely other but perception being reality I had clearly not.
Yo. Alecto. This Dog BITES. Quit it.
However, she was right about one thing. Not all dogs bite. A lot of dogs are absolutely lovely. Take Simon for instance. I'd like a guy like that. Less fur and slobber though. Please.