and then I went home
an abrupt left turn

The run in shed


The sun *is* actually out today and if I got myself out there and spent some time face up on my back with my eyes shut (open almost always ends badly) I might feel a little better.

It has not been raining all week. It has only rained a little bit. It has not been as hot as the recent heat wave (read that as long string of really hot days that seemed to upset a lot of people and got the media's panties in an wad again) but I've experienced cold. OK, it has been cold. Let's face it, 62 F in late July is COLD, people. I'm sorry, it just is. Normally my heat would kick in but the house is still holding heat so that hasn't happened. It did rain a little more than it should have rained, but again, not so much as it might have. I'm pointing this out for a reason.

My experience has been rain. That sort of rain up there. That's a cold sort of driving rain, or maybe it's just coming straight down on you and when I look at that photo it doesn't necessarily need to be cold because she's wearing shorts so maybe it's one of those nice warm summer rains, but no, when it's heavy like that, when the clouds open up it's freaking COLD. And that is the truth.

We had a pair of ponies once that weren't smart enough to get out of the rain. We had a great big run in shed... a run in shed is shelter that isn't quite a stall. Ours had an open door at the back and a closed door at the front that led into the paddock. When it rained they could come into the run in shed which was as big as two large stalls and they could be dry. We used to feed in there in the morning in the summer when they stayed out all night. When it rained hard enough that they noticed and the cover of the large pines didn't quite cut it they'd come to the door of the run in shed and stick their collective heads in. Neck and heads, up to the the whithers. Yup. That's it. Hell, maybe that's all that mattered, I don't know. I used to look at them though and wonder, WTF, guys? Do I have two defective ponies by any chance? Is it an Arab Quarter cross sort of thing? Do all horses do this?

So I've got my head and neck to the shoulders out of the rain but not smart enough to get the rest of me into the run in shed. And that's the truth. What the hell, woman?

I suspect my issue has nothing in common with those horses though. At least I hope not. I'm not oblivious to the fact that I'm standing here getting wet and I'm damned uncomfortable. I can see the source(s) of my discomfort moving past me like a slide show; like that small red toy my friends and cousins had when we were small that you put up against your face and pulled the lever on the right and a new slide would rotate into place. There they go, one after another. Click, click, click.

I've been meaning to process this shit all week. I have not managed to do this. I can't tell if it's because I cannot or will not or just haven't had the emotional bandwidth. I've managed to write enough offline to look at it. I can see it. I just can't wrap my arms around it well enough to work through it. There have been disruptions and additions. There has been the close, so I'm tired. I've been sleeping a lot and I'm still exhausted, as if I've been up past midnight every night and up at 6 and that just isn't the case. I should be able bury my face in my pillow and scream for an hour maybe. I'm no longer afraid that if I start I'll never stop. I KNOW that's not true. This is a good thing.

However. I am relentlessly persistent. I know this too. Maybe too stupid to come out of the rain sometimes, but relentlessly persistent. My nose, flat up against that glass wall, arms spread wide, body flattened, reaching out for some sort of edge. Sometimes I stop and rest. Sometimes I just sit down and then I get up and do it again.

I'm looking outside at the sun. Good, clean sun. I'm so, so tired. I went to sleep as soon as I got off the phone last night. It was before 11. I woke up maybe every hour or two hours. Finally at 6:30 I crawled out of bed. It's 72 out there now and heading to 82, so my iPhone promises. I can go to the beach if nothing blows up during the build. I don't expect to have company until late evening based on what I'm hearing. I can lay on my back face up in the sand with my eyes closed.

Maybe I can make the rain stop.