What do you want?
What do you want?
I don't want my eyes to bleed.
What? What does that even mean?
It means I don't want a job that makes my eyes bleed.
Fair enough. Are you open to any other sort of bloodletting?
No. Well. Maybe. How much money are we talking?
Spiff up that resume and we'll see.
What are you talking about? It was spiffed just last week!
Right, but have you noticed your qualifications for bloodletting sustainability? Your Summary practically screams: CARVE ME UP WITH KINDERGARTEN SCISSORS! I'm afraid to let you write a cover letter.
So you'll spiff and resend?
I'll spiff and resend.
Hi. This is Sam. May I speak with Heather, please?
Hi, Sam. You are speaking with Heather. This is my phone. You called, I answered, we spoke last week.
Yah. I know. I called this number and talked to somebody but the re-spiffed resume didn't come from the person I spoke with. Couldn't have.
Because I'm looking at an eighteen page summary of the life and times of the Marquis de Sade's housekeeper. pause. flip flip flip. Nope, sorry, wife. Whatever.
I told you not to read the CV like a novel. The CV has a bookmarked table of contents and an index and you're just supposed to take out the chunks that work for this one particular client.
Have you ever unraveled a sweater?
A Sweat. Er. Have you ever pulled just one little thread and unraveled the whole thing?
It's not that easy.
Unraveling a sweater. People think you pull just one thread and the whole thing returns to its natural state.
Unfortunately not. Try again?
No. Stop it.
An entire box of chocolates?
Now you're talking. You ate your way right through my CV, didn't you?
Worst indigestion ever.
Try living it.
Of course you are.
I don't understand.
Upon which dark little corner of the universe should I shine my light?
Do you like what you do?
What do you like about it?
I like massive invoices.
So it's about the money.
Sam. When is it not?
Heather. When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Sam. If you ask me where I see myself in five years I'm going to crawl through this phone and bite something.
Please don't do that.
Sam! Wake up!
Nobody died. Who's on first.
No. What's on second.
Are you fucking with me intentionally?
Of course not. But wake up. Please. I'm having an epiphany.
How did you get this number?
It's on your LinkedIn profile. Is this a bad time?
Depends. Have you come up with a viable marketing strategy?
A marketing strategy. Like how I'm going to sell eighteen pages of I Don't Know What the Hell I Want To Be When I Grow Up.
You mean have I re-spiffed the short version?
No. I don't want you touching that thing. Every time you touch that thing it grows another set of teeth. All I want from you is a direction. Pick something. Anything. Just pick one thing and commit. I'll do the rest.
You'll do the re-spiffing?
DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT RESUME!
You touched the resume. You spiffed.
I did no such thing.
I'm looking at it. I am STARING into the abyss of your LinkedIn profile and It. Has. Been. Fucked. With. Again.
No fucking was involved and no animals were harmed. It was just a bit of light housekeeping.
I'm taking your access away.
You're not a Premium member.
And your account's been frozen and it's going to stay that way until I clean up the mess you made last night.
Can I have a job now?
Heather, you can have any job you'd like. All you have to do is name it.
That's an awfully bold statement, don't you think?
Yup. Yup. Yup. And totally safe.
OK. Sam, I want to be a midwife.
No. Not that. You have exactly zero midwifery points. Stay in your lane. You have lots of lanes; this isn't rocket science.
And there it is!
What's on second. We've been through this. Who is on first and I don't know's on third but we've used that one up.
Stop it. Where is there it is?
Sam. That sounds as if you're asking me to be direct and we've been through that too. You don't like it. Nobody likes it and you've been super clear about that.
Just this one time...
Fine. But no yelling, OK?
When have I ever...
Four and a half minutes ago.
Fine. Swim lanes. You said swim lanes as if you can see them.
Great! Name 'em. Chop chop!
You're a weasel.
Juvenile and pointless...
Sam. I'm bored.
Great! I love a bored contractor. You people will do just about anything if we pretend indifference for more than three days. So what do you want to do?
I want to submit massive invoices to Accounts Payable.
Ha! Now we're getting somewhere. Who's Accounts Payable and for which services?
That's a swim lane, isn't it.
I think I'd like to try out that shopping cart business. I think I could be really good at it.
That was a joke, Heather. A terrible, horrible, awful joke. And I'm sorry.
No! Wait! Pushing shit about is DEFINITELY a transferable skill!
Alright. Let's have a look. pause. flip flip flip
Yup. You've pushed more than your fair share about in the last three decades.
Toys R Us needs a Southwest Director of Shopping Cart Wrangling. This position was posted by the Shopping Cart Wrangling Union... back in, uh, January 2018 but it hasn't been removed so I'm going to operate under the assumption that the Shopping Cart Wrangler position is still open.
Did you say Director?
That's how it reads. All caps.
It's a contract position?
OK. Base salary? Benefits? Insurance, 401 K matching, tuition reimbursement?
Throw me a bone, Sam.
$12.81 an hour.
Whoa. Back the truck up, Sparky. I'm too old to start working minimum wage.
It's more than minimum in AZ.
OK. I can work with that. You're going to want another spiffing, aren't you?
Good news! Your resume won't even come into the picture. I'm sending a link... right now... check your inbox, please.
Sam. It's a direct application and if I've got to pay your fee I'll be making exactly 25% less than minimum wage.
No fee. I waive the fee. This one's on me.
Because you'll go away quietly?
Fill it out. Attach NOTHING.
I don't see the word 'Director' anywhere.
Right. Look at the bottom. Last line before the submission.
Room for horizontal advancement?
Yup. That's the one.
Horizontal as in, I could move from the Shopping Cart Wrangling department to Door Greeter?
Noooo... I was thinking more like Shelf Stocking. Back Room. Warehouse.
Data Warehouse?! I LOVE me some data warehouse.
Absolutely not. Last time you wandered into a data warehouse they tossed your ass for... let me see...compliance issues.
Sam! That's stupid! I'm great at compliance. Compliance has been in play since Enron shit the bed. I am GOOD at compliance. Also, I passed Orange Jumpsuit Training in 2012. Matter of fact, I aced it! Got the certificate right here!
No you don't. That's the cease and desist order from MasterCard and the cardstock is PINK, not orange.
Sam, great news!
You have news? Anything involving a commission as it might apply in the form of direct deposit to yours truly?
Hmmn. I don't think so. We covered this. You waive your fee if I take the Toys R Us Union job and go away quietly.
Right. When do you start?
Monday! Kinda got a problem though.
Of course you do.
Sam. Nobody said anything about relocation. It's nowhere on the application.
You don't need to relocate, Heather, everything's remote now.
Not this one. Apparently you gotta actually be there in order to actually wrangle the actual shopping carts.
Well that's kind of inconvenient, isn't it. Does this mean you're not showing up on Monday morning?
Don't be silly. I accepted the offer. Got any unexpired miles floating around, Sam?
Uh, listen, I'm in an empty parking lot just off East Cactus Road and it's completely devoid of shopping carts. Nothing but tumbleweed out here.
That's Russian Sage, right?
Nope. Thistle. Russian Thistle. Apparently you can salt and eat the stuff if you're hungry enough.
Can you smoke it?
Market for it?
Not so much, Sam. I need to get home.
Call an Uber.
Tried that. Uber won't take me past Sky Harbor. Hey, can you tell me where to send my expense report?
Yeah, uh, I think we covered this. No relocation coverage also means no expense reimbursement. When you submitted the application you indicated you were ready to clock in at 4568 East Cactus Road and that 4568 East Cactus Road is a viable commute from South Starksboro. You did check that box, yes?
Sam. I might need bail.
Sam non lavora piu qui!