Chapter 13: Jeffry Minds His Manners

Four adults, two children, and six badgers dragged themselves out of two cars. Reed made two observations and an executive decision. There were three too many badgers and the entire glass wall at the front of the building was gone. Not broken, shattered, crushed, or maimed: vaporized. The glassless frame of the main entry was still in place. Reed held his hand out in the direction he'd last seen Laura and said, "Badge, please." Marty slapped a badge into Reed's hand. Gargoyle Lady wasn't listening. She was counting badgers. 

"One, two, three, four, five, wait. One, two, three, four, five, six, SAM! I think there's something wrong with my eyes! Why are there six badgers?! Your father's team was never that big!" Sam pulled her mother off the sidewalk. Six badgers were arranged in a straight row. They sat up on their haunches looking more like overfed squirrels. They all looked relatively harmless, but it never hurt to ask.

"Excuse me, Ms. and Mr. Badgers, would any of you happen to be Honey Badgers? I realize your coloring would indicate a negative, but I can't just assume any old thing. After all, you are the badgers, and I am not." The badger all the way to the left raised its paw. It looked around to see if it had company. When all paws remained down, it leaned over and bit the next badger in line. The second badger squealed and raised its paw. The first badger looked down the line until all but the last had their paws in the air.

Sam crossed her arms and nodded her head. "You, on the end, you don't even belong here, do you? Never seen this crew in your life?" The last badger dropped its head to its chest and made a pathetic mewling sound. Sam squatted down in front of the reject and said, "Listen little guy, today is YOUR lucky day. You don't have to stay. Just turn around and walk yourself right down that road. Turn left, not right, LEFT at the end of North Avenue West. That's when the dirt road runs into pavement. Turn LEFT at the pavement and walk to the end, it's not very far. Look both ways, this is super important, look both ways and when the road is clear, you run like hell. There's a giant park full of tall buildings with lots of kids and a couple of playgrounds. Kids on playgrounds love sharing their snacks. You'll be a well-fed badger, all year long."

Badger number six moved so fast, Sam wasn't sure if he'd gone off in the wrong direction. Not her problem anymore. She addressed the remaining five. "I'm gonna make this easy on you. Three of you work for my father and need to see Dr. Evans, or maybe just Margaret. I'm not interested in where the other two of you came from, but you have a choice. You can run like hell, or you can wait with what's left of Dad's team and see how that turns out. Oh, last thing, if you two take off after that poor little guy that just left, I'll call the Gargoyle and she can decide what to do with you. ALL of you."

Badgers four and five bolted into the compound behind the building. She didn’t hear any explosions and assumed they didn’t weight enough to set off the IEDs. The three remaining badgers stayed seated, doing their damned best to look cute, furry, and most importantly, harmless. 

Mr. Hunter was yelling. Sam got up and turned around just in time to see him slap a badge against the security panel on the door frame. The panel chirped and released the lock. Sam and the badgers ran to the entry line; the last badger nearly got its nose slammed in the door.

Laura turned and yelled, "No! Stop, go back!" but the third badger put one foot through the door and promptly vanished. "God DAMMIT! There goes my breakfast! Now I'm gonna have to skip lunch, little fucker." She plucked up the closest badger and dropped him on her face. It bounced, fell backwards onto the floor, and froze. The last badger sighed and dragged it away from the Gargoyle Lady who didn't seem to notice she wasn’t in gargoyle mode.

"I'm still hungry, you know."

Sam stepped in front of her father's two remaining employees and said, "Mom. Mom, pay attention. These are not Scooby snacks, they're tiny people in badger suits, so stop it, OK?"

Reed frog marched Laura over to Matt. "Matt. This is your wife, not my wife, not anybody else's wife. YOUR wife. Could you please assume custody until she comes to her senses?"

Sam's dad held his arms out and Sam's prickly mom walked into his embrace and whimpered into his neck. "It's OK, Sweetie, I’m pretty sure there's a vending machine somewhere. We'll get you a couple of snacks and maybe send Christie out for bagels in a little bit. OK?" 

They all heard the 'Glick!' and froze. Matt continued to stroke the back of her head and said, "You really shouldn't do that just now. I know you'd regret it later, so let's try to pull it together."

Marty dug his wallet out of his pocket and tossed it to Sam. "Dude, there's a vending machine around the corner that takes debit cards. Use the red card and get your mom a couple bags of peanuts, maybe some pop-tarts, and a couple Hostess Cupcakes if you see them." Sam dug around until she found the red card, tossed the wallet back to Marty, and headed in the direction of Coop's conference room.  Ten minutes later, Laura was shoveling pink Sno Balls into her mouth with a dozen Raspberry Zingers on stand-by. Marty clearly did not understand her mother. Peanuts. Please.

Reed gathered his team at the reception desk. "I’d like to think I'm about to state the obvious, but given how the morning's gone so far, that might be a poor assumption on my part. I'm going to lay down some ground rules before any of us goes prancing off into the AO wilderness. 

First, do not walk through or touch any space that looks like it might recently have been a glass door, window, or wall. The glass is gone, but whatever made it gone will make you gone. Let's try to avoid additional casualties. Questions? No? Good. Next thing: Several of you, OK, all of you, need help. That's why you're here. We'll need someone to evaluate and triage, but until you know your place in line, assume you're a self-detonating bomb."

One of the two remaining badgers stood up. "So, if somebody tells me I'm first, does that mean I'm about to die?"

"Whoa! Since when do you two talk? It would have been helpful if you'd piped up a little earlier."

"All due respect, Mr. Hunter, we felt it was safer remaining anonymous."

Reed rolled his eyes. "Some of you might see things that don't seem possible, but I’m going to ask that you keep an open mind. If you choose not to suspend your disbelief, the odds of survival are, well, it’s just bad, OK?  I hate to sound like an alarmist, but when you walk into a war zone, it's best to keep your mind wide open.”

“Mr. Hunter?” One of the badgers had a paw raised. “Wouldn’t it be better to send a small reconnaissance team while the rest of us wait in the cars?”

Reed didn’t dignify that with a response. He wasn’t sure he could come up with a single volunteer if he allowed cowardice in the ranks.

“Last thing, apparently there’s a Matrix/Dr. Who theme walking around up there. Please do your best to be polite.”

Jeffry was largely ignoring Reed in favor of tormenting one of the badgers, but he caught the last part. "Mr. Hunter! Mr. Hunter! I have a question!"

"Well, good morning, Jeffry! What would you like to know?"

"Mr. Hunter, I want to know how I'm going to know who's from the Matrix and who's from Dr. Who. I'd like to practice my polite skills in the most effective places."

"Well, Jeffry! Good for you! I am super impressed, but more importantly, I'm proud of you. Regarding the Matrix and Dr. Who, if you see them, it's going to be perfectly obvious."

Reed asked Marty when they'd next need the badge. "Mr. Hunter, you will need that badge to get past reception on every single floor, so you might as well hang on to it."

"Do any of you have a clue where we should start?" Sam thought the lab, but Laura disagreed, she thought they'd be on the fourth floor in one of the operating theaters. Marty kind of wondered about the eighth floor but dropped it. He'd only ever been in the analyst pit and the inquisition room.

Reed made another executive decision. "All right, people and people in badger suits, the fourth floor it is. I'm unfamiliar with the rest of the building anyway."

Four adults, two children, and two badgers crowded into one elevator. Reed didn't want any of them out of his sight. Laura pushed the button for the fourth floor and he reminded them, once again, to keep their hands and paws to themselves while continuing to focus on being their very best person/badger.

*

The elevator opened directly into the fourth-floor reception area. A woman in a shiny catsuit with bare feet propped on the desk, was reading Margaret's most recent publication in the International Journal of Medical Nano Research. She looked up from her reading and peered at them over the top of her sunglasses. "And you are...?"

Predictably, Jeffry lost his shit. Just as predictably, Samantha grabbed his collar and shoveled him toward Marty. "Just hold him down and pinch his nose, you know the drill." However, before Marty could get his fingers clamped onto Jeffry's nose, Jeffry opened his mouth and bit off two of Marty's fingers. Marty fell on his back, holding a bloody mess against his chest.

Both maintained extended screams of roughly the same pitch and magnitude except Marty passed out and Jeffry launched himself at the desk. The catsuit lady removed her glasses and put her legs back under the table. She looked amused. Samantha was NOT amused. 

"Ma'am, um, Lady, I'm doing my best polite so don't get mad, OK?"

"Sure thing, Jeffry, what can I do for you?"

"Ma'am. Ma'am."

"Spit it out, Jeffry!"

"Lady, are you Trinity? You are. I know you are I just want you to agree with me and tell all these people and do you know where Neo is?"

"I do not know where Neo is. I do, however, have his trench coat and boots back at my hotel."

Jeffry clapped both hands over his mouth and shook his head back and forth. A clear 'no' this time, nothing at all ambiguous. Sam wondered what her mother would do if she just killed him right now. She heard mom snarl quietly from the back. "OK, Mom. But you're going to have to deal with the fallout."

Jeffry dropped his arms and said, "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that last part because I don't want to stop speaking to you just now."

Greenwich snorted into her hands. "OK, Jeffry, what else would you like to know?"

The kid rocked back and forth on his heels a couple of times, as if contemplating how or even if he should ask the question. He came to some sort of decision and addressed the woman of his dreams, yet again. "OK, there is one more thing I'd like to know. Do you happen to know if Dr. Who is in the building still? I heard he'd been here earlier."

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I know exactly where Dr. Who is supposed to be. Maybe he's still there, maybe he's not. Hard to tell."

"Well?!"

"Nice, Jeffry. That's real polite of you. I'm starting to think biting two of Marty's fingers off is more the norm than an aberration. It's been fun playing with you, kid, but your friend on the floor over there needs a little help and it's time for me to talk to the grownups anyway. Can you do me a super polite favor and go sit in one of those chairs over there?"

Jeffry sat. Sam turned her back and refused to look at him.

Trinity stood up but remained behind the desk. "Hello, I'm Greenwich; Greenwich Evans if that makes any difference. I work with Dr. Webb, although I'm not sure any of you have met Dr. Webb yet."

Sam marched herself up to the scary lady in the black catsuit, reached across the desk, and shook her hand. "Hi, Greenwich. My name is Samantha Blue Franklin and I'm the resident unicorn. Very pleased to meet you. Is it safe to assume you're related to Dr. Evans in some way?"

Greenwich gave Sam the closest thing she had to a sweet smile. Her sweet smile wasn't very big, but it also displayed very few teeth. "Sam, I'm really glad you're here. I'm happy to see the rest of your family, Marty, Mr. Hunter, and the badger people, but I've been sitting here waiting for you. We need you, Sweetie." Greenwich looked up at Laura and said, "I'm afraid we need you as well, Mrs. Franklin, which doesn't exactly make me feel all warm and fuzzy, so I'm gonna make a deal. You can accept, negotiate, or walk the hell out of this building taking your finger chomping kid with you. Are you paying attention, Laura?"

"To every word, Greenwich. Every word." 

Reed and Matt turned to face the wall. They had no desire to witness the inevitable. 

Greenwich looked hard at Laura and leaned forward over the desk. She beckoned Laura forward with one finger. Laura, who was about halfway through her gargoyle transformation felt a hand close around her neck. Greenwich was using the other hand to support the reach, but she didn’t seem to need it for anything else. The hand on Laura’s neck squeezed and squeezed again. Laura wasn't winning anything, but she wasn't going to give way either. 

Unflappable Sam mouse holed. Samantha Blue gave her a metaphorical kick on the way down and approached the love fest suspended over Christie's desk. Greenwich didn't have any direct eye contact to spare, but Samantha begged her pardon anyway and focused her attention on her mother, whom, she was certain, did not give a rat's ass about anything Samantha Blue Franklin had to say just now which is why she didn't bother with any upfront apologies. 

"Mom. Calling me a unicorn doesn't make me a pony with a horn on its forehead. Unicorn, in my case, is a label that suggests I’m wicked smart, but leaves out all other possibilities. I say this, even though you don't give a flying fuck about anything other than shredding a woman who is guilty only of giving you a well-deserved smackdown. I say this because coming at you without warning would be a shitty thing to do. Consider yourself warned. If you haven’t been paying attention, that's on you." 

Greenwich gave one of them the teeniest bit of smile and Samantha Blue opened her mouth.

Out popped three rows of very sharp teeth. Sam filled her lungs, and with surgical precision, incinerated the gargoyle bits. Greenwich released her grip and dropped Laura face first onto the desk. Samantha retracted her teeth and discharged the remaining napalm and smoke onto the floor. "Mr. Hunter? Can you please put Mom in the seat next to Jeffry? They're both on time out until I say they're not."

Sam looked at Marty. Well didn't this just suck. "Badgers one and two, if you wouldn't mind, your boss could use an assist. Mr. Hunter, when you've got Mom properly secured, could you pick Marty up? Somebody's going to have to carry him until we locate a gurney."

Greenwich hopped over the desk and gave Sam a quick hug. "Don't look at me like that kid, I'm perfectly capable of genuine affection, I'm just particular about dispensing it. You and I need to go upstairs pretty quick; you know that, right?" Sam nodded. "You also know it would be very helpful to have your mother, but not entirely necessary. I think you've got everything we need, even if you think you don't. Can you trust me on this? A very bad man is strapped to a table in the Clean Room. He's the test subject, your father is the save."

Sam looked over her shoulder at her father. He had two honey badgers in his lap and wasn't looking at anything else. Mr. Hunter told her not to worry, someone would fetch them when it was time.

Greenwich called the elevator and motioned Sam and Reed through the door. Reed had Marty over his shoulder. She held the door open, stuck head out, and surveyed the wreckage. Great. Three of four Franklins and two people in badger suits. She told Sam to hold the door and stepped back into the room.

"OK people in badger suits, focus up. You're both Certified Honey Badgers and what do we know about Honey Badgers?" 

Four beady eyes looked up from Matt's lap and remained silent. 

"Let's try this again. You can either put some skin in the game or get rolled before it gets started. Your choice. Would you like to put some skin in the game, badgers?"

In tandem: "yes ma'am."

"Glad to hear it. You're going to have at least three opportunities to prove yourselves worthy. Do you know what worthy gets you around here? No? Damn. You guys are not quick on the uptake. Worthy gets you medical attention. The only medical attention that will make any difference in your miserable little rodent lives."

"We're not rodents, ma'am."

"You're rodents if I say you're rodents. So here, Rodents, is your first Rodent job. See those two people sitting on the chairs? One of them ate one of your co-workers and tried to eat one of you. Those people are not to move from their chairs until someone comes to fetch them. Doesn't matter who; feel free to release them to the first ambulatory life form that walks through those doors. I don't think your boss is going to need more than one warm furry body, so he should be easy. If not, please recall that you are, for the time being, Honey Badgers that should be able to handle the job with your scratchy little paws in paw cuffs. Questions?"

"None." One badger got up and waddled over to Laura and Jeffry. She stood up on her haunches to address them, thought it might lend her more credibility. She wished she had an official looking paper to read from but carried on as if she did.

"Laura and Jeffry Franklin, do both of you understand what will happen if you so much as stretch your legs out in front of you?"

"YOUUUU are gonna be so sorry, you little fuck. My mother's gonna eat you FIRST!"

Laura sunk her nails deep into Jeffry's arm. He was too startled to do anything except stare at her. "Jeffry Franklin, you listen very carefully. If you so much as slink in the direction of that floor, I will eat you myself, so help me God."

The badger didn't bother with the rest. She hunkered down and considered where to start chewing first, should either of them move.

Satisfied, Greenwich retrieved Marty’s fingers and stepped back into the elevator. At some point, before the doors opened, she felt a seismic shift and wondered if she was up to this sort of emotional turmoil. She thought about her brother’s face when Christie fell and realized that fall from grace belonged to all of them. The only difference was Christie couldn’t possibly have died; every one of them had forgotten how hard it is to kill a golem. But unicorns? Not quite as tricky.